Updated: May 26, 2020
Jesus is not a feeling – He’s truth. The Truth.
Not many people know that over the last couple years, I’ve been stuck in a deep pit of anxiety and depression. Wondering if God would ever pull me out of it. Wondering why I had to sit in the shame and guilt of past mistakes, instead of walking in freedom like so many of my friends have experienced.
I knew and have always known that not one person walks this earth without making 5 trillion mistakes. Somehow, I could always have deep compassion for anyone who would open up to me about their mistakes, but all I could feel for myself was this heightened sense of guilt and condemnation. I couldn’t feel the comfort of the One that I call Savior. I had heard all my life that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, but I never felt a deep connection to it, therefore, it was hard to believe that I could be placed in to that category of ‘forgiven.’
Last night, through lots of tears, a close friend of mine spoke something to me that almost seemed offensive and cold in the moment. She said, “you will not feel God before you get the breakthrough.” This struck something deep in me, because I had seen so many people get this revelation of Jesus BEFORE the breakthrough. Like it was completely simultaneous. In the moment, I came to realize that that’s what I had been waiting for – a miracle to happen in my mind and in my heart that would solidify the fact that I was worth dying for. I was waiting for this holy moment that would lift the burden of guilt and shame from my shoulders. I now realize that there’s more people than just me that have struggled and/or are struggling with this.
So, to all my fellow deep feelers – your feelings are a gift, and your ability to feel and have compassion for others is a GIFT. However, the gift of forgiveness and worthiness and JESUS does not reside in how YOU feel about it. Jesus is the truth, and forgiveness is a gift AND truth – regardless of how you FEEL about it, or how worthy you feel.
So, I’ll end with a few questions. Will you accept the truth before the feelings come? Or will you barricade yourself with walls of guilt and shame - separating yourself from the One that chose you, knew you, and loved you first? And will you stay stuck because it’s more comfortable to let your feelings dictate your life and your freedom? You decide.